There’s Something in the Water

The lost and emotional ones targeted, they come
This is where they’re led, what they’re shown
They fall in line and march to the beat of the drum
The echo of feet letting them know they are not alone

Everyone wants to be a part of something more
It’s scary to be in the dark and on your own
There is strength in numbers to battle any war
Even if you that battle is never known

There’s something in the water
Drink up and you won’t really care
There’s something in the water
If you drink enough you won’t be aware

You must think, breath and walk like they do
You no longer belong to yourself
Just accept what they tell you as true
In the end it better for everyone’s health

Drink up, water is good for you in every way
You can’t get enough no matter how you feel
Drink it, as it’s how you’re allowed to stay
The threat of your safety here is real

There’s something in the water
The evidence is plain to see
There’s something in the water
Maybe if I drink enough I’ll be happy

Did you have an independent thought?
Do you dare say how you feel or what you think?
It’s a lost battle that has already been fought
Independence will cause the world to sink

There is a sickness stirring inside of your head
You need to quit thinking and just be content with what they give
If you continue this path and ignore all that has been said
You will in all of their eyes cease to actually live

There’s something in the water
Why can’t everybody else see
There’s something in the water
From its poison set them free

Advertisements

Erase Myself

Little by little I’m fading away
Others about me don’t have much to say
I’ve crept out of your world so careful and slow
It happened so quietly, I wonder if you even know

Memories in which I should appear
Will change and mold with every passing year
I’ll be that itch in the back of your head
I won’t have the same respect as those that are dead

No expectations
No celebrations
No rejections
No false affections

The good and the bad have to go
It’s the only way for me to grow
You’ve forgotten me mostly all on your own
So I guess I didn’t erase myself all alone

 

(picture credit to Vadgrimmelegriffoen)

Haunted

A normal day can turn to the darkest night
Your presence seems to take away my breath, the light
I am trapped in a world that seems to have no end
You have taken everything, I can’t even trust my closest friend

I awake and attempt to organize my mind
I whisper to myself that it was a dream and I’m fine
Look around and touch things to know what is real
Take a long breath and wonder why I dream of you still

There is no denying that I am haunted by you
The memories and stories of what you will do
You’re cold, dark and most people don’t believe
A person like you exists, you deceive

Memories flood thru me at the mention of your name
Sadly, they are tainted and I can’t ever see you the same
I am so sad for who you chosen to become
I had to save myself, my future and leave, actually run

You still target me with your anger and even lie
Others tell me I’m horrible but can’t articulate why
Can’t you just let go and leave me alone
I promise that I will never come back home

There is no denying that I am haunted by you
The memories and stories of what you will do
You’re cold, dark and most people don’t believe
A person like you exists, you deceive

I am so tired and want you to stay out of my head
There are days it is so bad I dream of being dead
I’m broken and don’t know who to trust or what to feel
I feel like a doll, a play thing; anything but real

What have I done to deserve being treated so wrong
Is it God’s cruel way of seeing if I’m really strong
I’m moving away and leaving all of this far behind
I just wish that your ghost will someday vacate my mind

There is no denying that I am haunted by you
The memories and stories of what you will do
You’re cold, dark and most people don’t believe
A person like you exists, you deceive

My Prison Without Walls

Above the clouds high in the sky I can breathe deep
I feel weightless and there is some clarity of who I am
I am free from the voices that make me want to weep
I was able to enjoy myself, be goofy and not give a damn

But here we go back and the plane is on its descent
We drop below the clouds and the air changes around me
My mind merges times by mixing the past and present
There is a pollution and the toxins is only I can see

I want to remain in my seat and not leave the plane
It won’t stay here as there is another destination in line
If I refuse to leave will they understand or think I’m insane
I know that I will force myself to do what I must when it’s time

It’s like I got a furlough from my prison, my personal hell
To break completely free is not possible as I’m tethered by love
I just put my head down and some days I actually do well
Knowing no one will give me good time or forgive me from above

Is this sentence a life terms or will it have an actual end
I don’t even really know what crime I committed when I was so small
I just know that my family has appointed themselves warden
My prison is the area I called home with mountains so tall

Am I naïve to think freedom is possible if I actually move away
The air was much sweeter in another state and sleep came with ease
Was it just a vacation with enough time to rest and play
Or because I didn’t feel there was anyone to let down or please

Maybe it’s not the air that is harder to take in
But rather the realization that I need to leave this place
There is hope that I will have a new place someday it’s a matter of when
Complete some things here and find a new healthy space

  • Photo credit – Laurence Demaison, Meditations, 2013

The “A” Word That Scares Me

So I got feedback today on my brain; well my neurological cognitive functioning. I’ve had some issue with memory and being “spacey” for the last 6 months or more. At times it is like my brain freezes and simple words just can’t be found. I imagine I have the spinning circle of a computer loading a program then it needs to shut the program down. So the “major” contributor “most likely” is a side effect of one of the medications I’ve been on for almost 2 years. However, they did some major testing to eliminate other issues.

My EEG and MRI (with and without contrast) came back fine. I was sent to a psych doctor to do testing on memory and problem solving. Now, I’ve been a mystery reader and lover my whole life. I problem solve at work and home all the time. So getting my feedback was a bit surprising or not what I was expecting…

The psychologist stated although I scored well in most areas, there were just two I scored extremely low in. The first was mental flexibility when problem solving and failing. Granted I can see this, as with the testing I could not physically get up and walk away or go back to things later. The pressure to solve everything right then and there especially having to recall things that were said to me, was very difficult for me to switch gears. I feel like I just need to continue to until I get over the “hump” that is missing. So I’ll keep doing the same thing over and over expecting my brain to just power thru.  However, if I have the chance to walk away or take a break I can see a different way to go about something.

The second issue was paying attention fully to conversations, well, certain types of them. I think I was dumbfounded by this feedback as I listen to people all the time.  However, I guess I’ll go inside my own mind instead of completely track things.  To be fair I tend to understand the gist of what the person was saying but I check out.

The doctor went on to tell me that he believes I have PTSD and anger issues. I cried at the thought of anger issues. When he asked me why that bothered me so much, I told him I don’t want anger issues, I don’t like or feel comfortable expressing anger and I’m scared of becoming like my mom. He stated that his further analysis was very fitting then.  He found that the anger I feel I tend to turn inward towards myself. So although I feel resentment, anger and frustration, I will take it out on myself rather than anyone else. This causes me to become overwhelmed emotionally and at times to shut down.  Okay I have to admit there have been times I have felt so emotional and became exhausted.  I think that it both that I can’t really function and/or don’s want to.

Am I angry? Yes, I am angry. I have conversations inside my head all the time. I am angry at the people that should have protected me that didn’t; should have loved me but couldn’t; or could attempt to understand me but won’t. However, I’m angry that I am different. I am angry that I care. I am angry that I can’t just move on and forget it all. I am angry that I still have nightmares. I am angry that people don’t care about other people. I am angry that there are still bullies out there today. I am angry I can’t save some people. I am angry that I am alive. I am angry that I allowed myself to have kids that need me so I have to stay alive. I am angry because I feel my husband deserves better than me. But most of all I am angry because I feel the way I do period.

So what does a person like me do? I can’t make amends with certain people; I’ve tried and it made things worse. Turn to God? The people that left me when I most needed them throughout my life are who taught me about God. They tell me the bad in my life is pretty much my fault. Maybe I’m not good enough for God or maybe I just keep failing his tests. Every time I reach out in a formal way, they slap my hand away or find a way to ruin it. So it just fuels my depression and anger.  I don’t know how I feel about God to be honest.  It is a mess inside my head between what I was taught and what I see.

I work in a job that tries to focus on others and their needs. It reminds me that others have it worse or that I might be able to help them. The failures of when things go wrong make me wonder about what I am doing and if I cause more harm than good. I have some great stories that are “wins” but I have some nightmares that are tragic.

I love my husband with all my heart. I love both of my kids. I wonder if I am a good mother or the mother that they will have to overcome in their life. I feel things so deeply. I have conversations in my head with myself reasoning out all these different feelings. What things I should say or show versus what I keep to myself.

There are so many things I feel. It is so strange that I am angry but I feel so fearful of saying that I am out loud. Maybe I am afraid that my anger is what will ultimately destroy me someday.

Loss

I lost my 36 year old cousin today. She has been 36 for 9 days now. I remember she was almost a New Year’s baby but not quite. It is surreal for various reasons to me.
My cousin is the first baby I can remember. I was 4 years old when she was born.

I remember the house that my aunt and uncle lived in when she was born. It was not far from my great grandma’s house. Her room was shared with her sister who was 2 years older located right off the living room. They decorated it with primary colors and balloons. I can remember her baby shower they had after she was born. I guess you can say I don’t remember a time she was not living.

These cousins, my deceased and her older sister, are my first cousins on my father’s side. We grew up in the same town. Our families even relocated to a different town at the same time and lived many years across the street from each other. I was close friends with her older sister (2 years younger but seemingly my closest cousin geographically too). However, I will say that there was a bond between myself and my deceased cousin.  Like her, I was also the youngest in the family and understood what it felt like to not be included. I would often let her tag along and stand up for her.

I babysat her when I was older. She could be a real pain. But even when she was being one she was funny about it.  One time she locked me out of the house when I went to get the mail. Another time she threw a bottle at her sister and missed.  However, this resulted in a dent in a microwave which was really expensive and new back then.  She knew how to make an impression…

As sisters are, she and her sister were opposites. Her older sister was more serious and stubborn. My younger cousin was easy going most of the time and loved to laugh. I wouldn’t say she was shy, but she also didn’t need to be the center of attention. The one thing that she took very serious was her role as a mother and wife.

She married a man three years her senior. He already had a daughter and was divorced. My cousin stepped into the role of step-mother almost effortlessly. She loved that little girl as much as, if not more, that her own biological mother did. The way she fought for her safety and was so proud of her was inspiring. When my cousin had her first biological child, a daughter, it was not an easy pregnancy or birth. I was there for most of it. Her parents came down for the end of it. That baby girl was only 5 lbs and so tiny.  They both made it thru okay.  This baby was her first biological daughter, but still her second child.

When they moved away and out of state to be closer to her parents it was really sad for me. She was a friend and we at times were closer than I was to my own sister.  Our daughters were almost the same age and she was someone I felt I could talk to.

After, that move she had a baby boy years later. We still kept in touch. We would talk about issues with our kids or even our parents.  I was there for her when her daughter got pregnant at 17 and her sister refused to talk to her. I threw a baby shower to make sure her daughter knew she was not abandoned when they all came down to visit her friends and family in the area. This caused some displeasure from my aunt (her mother) and her older sister, but what the hell I had been there.

Life has a way of slapping us around. As things got complicated with her daughter and my relationship with my father we just stopped talking. I pulled away from the family because my dad told me I caused too many issues on that side. There was too many things going on and not a lot of time to clear up all the mud being thrown.   So I have not really spoken to her for over 2 years. We also didn’t end on the best terms because of things that instead of asking were just assumed.

Now it’s too late. She is gone. I got a call from a different cousin that told me he heard she wasn’t doing well the day before she died.  My father called me a few hours before she died and then after.  She died of a sickness not from an accident. I heard she has been not well at least for six months and I am so sad. I am sad for her children, two who are still minors. I am sad for her husband that loves her so much. I know her father is having a horrible time with this.  I am sad for her sister.  Her oldest is a mother now and so my cousin had two grandchildren.  She was a grandma at 34 and too young to die.

Here I sit … I know the family would be okay if I had died. I had thought I was supposed to die by the time I was 12 just like my dad’s sister. When that didn’t happen I was going to die when I was 20 and then I had my daughter.

You see in my family, I looked like her my deceased aunt and never really fit in. I have been outside my family for the last 2 almost 3 years now. They would have some tears but a lot less for me than her.  My death would be accepted easier almost like it was a given.  It doesn’t seem fair she is gone when parts of me have been dying for years.

I know my two kids would miss me.  I know my husband would grieve.  But I also know they would all be okay.  There are some cousins in my family that would be at my funeral and others that would if they are in the area and have time.

My parents might even feel some relief knowing I was gone. There would be very little disruption in the overall family if I was the one that one not living. I am the one they see as the problem. I don’t even think very many people would travel for my funeral. But as we speak my uncle from another state heads out to where her father is. My father and mother are on their way as well. They all should. She deserves it.  Her family deserves all the love and support they can get.  I will attend the funeral because I loved her.

I will be the outsider when I am there.  But I will be there because I can’t imagine not going.

I can’t remember a time she wasn’t alive.  I never thought I would have to.

If / When I Die

If I die, who would show?

Would it be out of obligation from the past, guilt, or because you would just want others to know?

If I die, how would the two that brought me into this world respond?

Would they steal the show? Would they pretend I meant so much even though everything was so wrong?

If I die, I imagine it would become all about them.

They would try to make the day harder for my children and my love they would offend.

If I die, does this horrible feeling just end?

The last thing I want to do is give it away or pass it on to another to contend.

That is why I fight every damn day.

I’d rather deal with the devil than make another person pay.

In case I lose the battle and I am beaten in this fight.

I feel I need to have a written will and want to say this right.

When I die, thank you for coming; I hope part of you might have really cared.

It’s too bad that you did not take the time or maybe tried harder and shared.

When I die, I say to those that brought me up and gave me life,

It’s too bad you couldn’t be around to see how much I loved being a mom and wife.

None of you have earned the right to steal any claim to cry.

You choose to treat me the way you did and we’ve already said a formal goodbye.

My children and my husband are all that is left and I’m sorry for what they’ve been thru.

You will take a backseat to their grief.

Because when I die, most likely I lost this battle without any help from anyone of you.