There’s Something in the Water

The lost and emotional ones targeted, they come
This is where they’re led, what they’re shown
They fall in line and march to the beat of the drum
The echo of feet letting them know they are not alone

Everyone wants to be a part of something more
It’s scary to be in the dark and on your own
There is strength in numbers to battle any war
Even if you that battle is never known

There’s something in the water
Drink up and you won’t really care
There’s something in the water
If you drink enough you won’t be aware

You must think, breath and walk like they do
You no longer belong to yourself
Just accept what they tell you as true
In the end it better for everyone’s health

Drink up, water is good for you in every way
You can’t get enough no matter how you feel
Drink it, as it’s how you’re allowed to stay
The threat of your safety here is real

There’s something in the water
The evidence is plain to see
There’s something in the water
Maybe if I drink enough I’ll be happy

Did you have an independent thought?
Do you dare say how you feel or what you think?
It’s a lost battle that has already been fought
Independence will cause the world to sink

There is a sickness stirring inside of your head
You need to quit thinking and just be content with what they give
If you continue this path and ignore all that has been said
You will in all of their eyes cease to actually live

There’s something in the water
Why can’t everybody else see
There’s something in the water
From its poison set them free

Erase Myself

Little by little I’m fading away
Others about me don’t have much to say
I’ve crept out of your world so careful and slow
It happened so quietly, I wonder if you even know

Memories in which I should appear
Will change and mold with every passing year
I’ll be that itch in the back of your head
I won’t have the same respect as those that are dead

No expectations
No celebrations
No rejections
No false affections

The good and the bad have to go
It’s the only way for me to grow
You’ve forgotten me mostly all on your own
So I guess I didn’t erase myself all alone

 

(picture credit to Vadgrimmelegriffoen)

Haunted

A normal day can turn to the darkest night
Your presence seems to take away my breath, the light
I am trapped in a world that seems to have no end
You have taken everything, I can’t even trust my closest friend

I awake and attempt to organize my mind
I whisper to myself that it was a dream and I’m fine
Look around and touch things to know what is real
Take a long breath and wonder why I dream of you still

There is no denying that I am haunted by you
The memories and stories of what you will do
You’re cold, dark and most people don’t believe
A person like you exists, you deceive

Memories flood thru me at the mention of your name
Sadly, they are tainted and I can’t ever see you the same
I am so sad for who you chosen to become
I had to save myself, my future and leave, actually run

You still target me with your anger and even lie
Others tell me I’m horrible but can’t articulate why
Can’t you just let go and leave me alone
I promise that I will never come back home

There is no denying that I am haunted by you
The memories and stories of what you will do
You’re cold, dark and most people don’t believe
A person like you exists, you deceive

I am so tired and want you to stay out of my head
There are days it is so bad I dream of being dead
I’m broken and don’t know who to trust or what to feel
I feel like a doll, a play thing; anything but real

What have I done to deserve being treated so wrong
Is it God’s cruel way of seeing if I’m really strong
I’m moving away and leaving all of this far behind
I just wish that your ghost will someday vacate my mind

There is no denying that I am haunted by you
The memories and stories of what you will do
You’re cold, dark and most people don’t believe
A person like you exists, you deceive

My Prison Without Walls

Above the clouds high in the sky I can breathe deep
I feel weightless and there is some clarity of who I am
I am free from the voices that make me want to weep
I was able to enjoy myself, be goofy and not give a damn

But here we go back and the plane is on its descent
We drop below the clouds and the air changes around me
My mind merges times by mixing the past and present
There is a pollution and the toxins is only I can see

I want to remain in my seat and not leave the plane
It won’t stay here as there is another destination in line
If I refuse to leave will they understand or think I’m insane
I know that I will force myself to do what I must when it’s time

It’s like I got a furlough from my prison, my personal hell
To break completely free is not possible as I’m tethered by love
I just put my head down and some days I actually do well
Knowing no one will give me good time or forgive me from above

Is this sentence a life terms or will it have an actual end
I don’t even really know what crime I committed when I was so small
I just know that my family has appointed themselves warden
My prison is the area I called home with mountains so tall

Am I naïve to think freedom is possible if I actually move away
The air was much sweeter in another state and sleep came with ease
Was it just a vacation with enough time to rest and play
Or because I didn’t feel there was anyone to let down or please

Maybe it’s not the air that is harder to take in
But rather the realization that I need to leave this place
There is hope that I will have a new place someday it’s a matter of when
Complete some things here and find a new healthy space

  • Photo credit – Laurence Demaison, Meditations, 2013

The “A” Word That Scares Me

So I got feedback today on my brain; well my neurological cognitive functioning. I’ve had some issue with memory and being “spacey” for the last 6 months or more. At times it is like my brain freezes and simple words just can’t be found. I imagine I have the spinning circle of a computer loading a program then it needs to shut the program down. So the “major” contributor “most likely” is a side effect of one of the medications I’ve been on for almost 2 years. However, they did some major testing to eliminate other issues.

My EEG and MRI (with and without contrast) came back fine. I was sent to a psych doctor to do testing on memory and problem solving. Now, I’ve been a mystery reader and lover my whole life. I problem solve at work and home all the time. So getting my feedback was a bit surprising or not what I was expecting…

The psychologist stated although I scored well in most areas, there were just two I scored extremely low in. The first was mental flexibility when problem solving and failing. Granted I can see this, as with the testing I could not physically get up and walk away or go back to things later. The pressure to solve everything right then and there especially having to recall things that were said to me, was very difficult for me to switch gears. I feel like I just need to continue to until I get over the “hump” that is missing. So I’ll keep doing the same thing over and over expecting my brain to just power thru.  However, if I have the chance to walk away or take a break I can see a different way to go about something.

The second issue was paying attention fully to conversations, well, certain types of them. I think I was dumbfounded by this feedback as I listen to people all the time.  However, I guess I’ll go inside my own mind instead of completely track things.  To be fair I tend to understand the gist of what the person was saying but I check out.

The doctor went on to tell me that he believes I have PTSD and anger issues. I cried at the thought of anger issues. When he asked me why that bothered me so much, I told him I don’t want anger issues, I don’t like or feel comfortable expressing anger and I’m scared of becoming like my mom. He stated that his further analysis was very fitting then.  He found that the anger I feel I tend to turn inward towards myself. So although I feel resentment, anger and frustration, I will take it out on myself rather than anyone else. This causes me to become overwhelmed emotionally and at times to shut down.  Okay I have to admit there have been times I have felt so emotional and became exhausted.  I think that it both that I can’t really function and/or don’s want to.

Am I angry? Yes, I am angry. I have conversations inside my head all the time. I am angry at the people that should have protected me that didn’t; should have loved me but couldn’t; or could attempt to understand me but won’t. However, I’m angry that I am different. I am angry that I care. I am angry that I can’t just move on and forget it all. I am angry that I still have nightmares. I am angry that people don’t care about other people. I am angry that there are still bullies out there today. I am angry I can’t save some people. I am angry that I am alive. I am angry that I allowed myself to have kids that need me so I have to stay alive. I am angry because I feel my husband deserves better than me. But most of all I am angry because I feel the way I do period.

So what does a person like me do? I can’t make amends with certain people; I’ve tried and it made things worse. Turn to God? The people that left me when I most needed them throughout my life are who taught me about God. They tell me the bad in my life is pretty much my fault. Maybe I’m not good enough for God or maybe I just keep failing his tests. Every time I reach out in a formal way, they slap my hand away or find a way to ruin it. So it just fuels my depression and anger.  I don’t know how I feel about God to be honest.  It is a mess inside my head between what I was taught and what I see.

I work in a job that tries to focus on others and their needs. It reminds me that others have it worse or that I might be able to help them. The failures of when things go wrong make me wonder about what I am doing and if I cause more harm than good. I have some great stories that are “wins” but I have some nightmares that are tragic.

I love my husband with all my heart. I love both of my kids. I wonder if I am a good mother or the mother that they will have to overcome in their life. I feel things so deeply. I have conversations in my head with myself reasoning out all these different feelings. What things I should say or show versus what I keep to myself.

There are so many things I feel. It is so strange that I am angry but I feel so fearful of saying that I am out loud. Maybe I am afraid that my anger is what will ultimately destroy me someday.

Loss

I lost my 36 year old cousin today. She has been 36 for 9 days now. I remember she was almost a New Year’s baby but not quite. It is surreal for various reasons to me.
My cousin is the first baby I can remember. I was 4 years old when she was born.

I remember the house that my aunt and uncle lived in when she was born. It was not far from my great grandma’s house. Her room was shared with her sister who was 2 years older located right off the living room. They decorated it with primary colors and balloons. I can remember her baby shower they had after she was born. I guess you can say I don’t remember a time she was not living.

These cousins, my deceased and her older sister, are my first cousins on my father’s side. We grew up in the same town. Our families even relocated to a different town at the same time and lived many years across the street from each other. I was close friends with her older sister (2 years younger but seemingly my closest cousin geographically too). However, I will say that there was a bond between myself and my deceased cousin.  Like her, I was also the youngest in the family and understood what it felt like to not be included. I would often let her tag along and stand up for her.

I babysat her when I was older. She could be a real pain. But even when she was being one she was funny about it.  One time she locked me out of the house when I went to get the mail. Another time she threw a bottle at her sister and missed.  However, this resulted in a dent in a microwave which was really expensive and new back then.  She knew how to make an impression…

As sisters are, she and her sister were opposites. Her older sister was more serious and stubborn. My younger cousin was easy going most of the time and loved to laugh. I wouldn’t say she was shy, but she also didn’t need to be the center of attention. The one thing that she took very serious was her role as a mother and wife.

She married a man three years her senior. He already had a daughter and was divorced. My cousin stepped into the role of step-mother almost effortlessly. She loved that little girl as much as, if not more, that her own biological mother did. The way she fought for her safety and was so proud of her was inspiring. When my cousin had her first biological child, a daughter, it was not an easy pregnancy or birth. I was there for most of it. Her parents came down for the end of it. That baby girl was only 5 lbs and so tiny.  They both made it thru okay.  This baby was her first biological daughter, but still her second child.

When they moved away and out of state to be closer to her parents it was really sad for me. She was a friend and we at times were closer than I was to my own sister.  Our daughters were almost the same age and she was someone I felt I could talk to.

After, that move she had a baby boy years later. We still kept in touch. We would talk about issues with our kids or even our parents.  I was there for her when her daughter got pregnant at 17 and her sister refused to talk to her. I threw a baby shower to make sure her daughter knew she was not abandoned when they all came down to visit her friends and family in the area. This caused some displeasure from my aunt (her mother) and her older sister, but what the hell I had been there.

Life has a way of slapping us around. As things got complicated with her daughter and my relationship with my father we just stopped talking. I pulled away from the family because my dad told me I caused too many issues on that side. There was too many things going on and not a lot of time to clear up all the mud being thrown.   So I have not really spoken to her for over 2 years. We also didn’t end on the best terms because of things that instead of asking were just assumed.

Now it’s too late. She is gone. I got a call from a different cousin that told me he heard she wasn’t doing well the day before she died.  My father called me a few hours before she died and then after.  She died of a sickness not from an accident. I heard she has been not well at least for six months and I am so sad. I am sad for her children, two who are still minors. I am sad for her husband that loves her so much. I know her father is having a horrible time with this.  I am sad for her sister.  Her oldest is a mother now and so my cousin had two grandchildren.  She was a grandma at 34 and too young to die.

Here I sit … I know the family would be okay if I had died. I had thought I was supposed to die by the time I was 12 just like my dad’s sister. When that didn’t happen I was going to die when I was 20 and then I had my daughter.

You see in my family, I looked like her my deceased aunt and never really fit in. I have been outside my family for the last 2 almost 3 years now. They would have some tears but a lot less for me than her.  My death would be accepted easier almost like it was a given.  It doesn’t seem fair she is gone when parts of me have been dying for years.

I know my two kids would miss me.  I know my husband would grieve.  But I also know they would all be okay.  There are some cousins in my family that would be at my funeral and others that would if they are in the area and have time.

My parents might even feel some relief knowing I was gone. There would be very little disruption in the overall family if I was the one that one not living. I am the one they see as the problem. I don’t even think very many people would travel for my funeral. But as we speak my uncle from another state heads out to where her father is. My father and mother are on their way as well. They all should. She deserves it.  Her family deserves all the love and support they can get.  I will attend the funeral because I loved her.

I will be the outsider when I am there.  But I will be there because I can’t imagine not going.

I can’t remember a time she wasn’t alive.  I never thought I would have to.

If / When I Die

If I die, who would show?

Would it be out of obligation from the past, guilt, or because you would just want others to know?

If I die, how would the two that brought me into this world respond?

Would they steal the show? Would they pretend I meant so much even though everything was so wrong?

If I die, I imagine it would become all about them.

They would try to make the day harder for my children and my love they would offend.

If I die, does this horrible feeling just end?

The last thing I want to do is give it away or pass it on to another to contend.

That is why I fight every damn day.

I’d rather deal with the devil than make another person pay.

In case I lose the battle and I am beaten in this fight.

I feel I need to have a written will and want to say this right.

When I die, thank you for coming; I hope part of you might have really cared.

It’s too bad that you did not take the time or maybe tried harder and shared.

When I die, I say to those that brought me up and gave me life,

It’s too bad you couldn’t be around to see how much I loved being a mom and wife.

None of you have earned the right to steal any claim to cry.

You choose to treat me the way you did and we’ve already said a formal goodbye.

My children and my husband are all that is left and I’m sorry for what they’ve been thru.

You will take a backseat to their grief.

Because when I die, most likely I lost this battle without any help from anyone of you.

I’ve Lost My Faith and It Scares Me

This isn’t something I say out loud or when I do talk about I walk around it in a wide circle. Maybe it is because the wound is too deep, too fresh or I am not sure how to explain it.
Do I believe in God? I grew up with such a strong belief. You have no idea how strong it was. I loved the Bible and prayer could be the only thing that could take some anxiety away. I wanted to believe that someone was happy I was alive and found all the parts of me special. Maybe that is what I needed. But why do I feel so alone and let down?
I cannot deny a God. I don’t believe that creation itself was just a happy accident and evolved over time. I do believe the perfection of the Earth and mankind had to be the result of higher power beings. I just don’t know if we, or if I matter anymore. Kind of like a science experiment that was interesting for years but then got put on shelves behind other projects that came and went over time. Maybe we were just such a disappointment or boring.
Oh I know, the Bible says the world will get worse and then we will all be judged for the better or worse. How much worse does it have to get? Why is it that the very religious people in my family make me feel the worst about myself and live by their own rules? You know the ones that apply only to others but they somehow have exceptions? In the Bible, Jesus said “they will know you are my people because you have love among yourselves” and “to love your neighbor”.
I see one or the other. If you are ACTIVELY a part of said religion (pretty much all of them) then they will be kinder to you. If you aren’t going as much, giving as much or doing something they aren’t a fan of then well that love is subjective and you feel very unworthy. It’s like they can treat you like crap because you caused it. Or they preach and show love for their neighbors while neglecting their “flock” because they are recruiting or making themselves look really good. Acceptance is rare and being judgmental seems to be just fine for the “upper half” of the church members. It is almost like being back in high school at times.
My parents don’t really care if I’m alive or dead. I think in many ways they feel it would be easier for them if I was dead. How am I supposed to feel about that? Especially since my father preaches from the stage of the church about family, love and God. I’m not angry at “God”, but I just don’t know how I feel about if he is present, feel about any religion or where I fit into all of it.
I’ve lost my faith. I’ve lost my family. I’ve lost my friends. I feel horrible. I just can’t be what my parents want me to be. This makes me “bad”, “dangerous” and “crazy”. I can’t be lie, pretend or feel like I am less than all of them each and every time I go.
So where does that leave me? Feeling so cold. Feeling so wrong no matter what.
I’ve even gotten to the point where the thought of heaven or paradise doesn’t appeal to me much. I mean the people I miss so much will be there. Realistically the people they missed more will be there too. Their lost parents, children, siblings and so forth. I know I am down the list quite a ways and it won’t really hurt them too badly. My parents and sister don’t miss me while I’m still alive so why would they rejoice to see me later? I almost could feel them groan if I made it and it wasn’t something they could take credit for.
I’m scared because I no longer want that future. I just don’t want one at all. I don’t want to be a burden. I don’t want to be hurt and I don’t want to hurt anyone anymore.
I’ve lost my faith and I think that means that I’m just a lost cause.

SUPERMAN, THE JUSTICE LEAGUE AND DOMESTIC VIOLENCE

When I think as far back in my memory as I can, well to the parts that actually play in continuous streams, I remember living in my favorite childhood home and Superman. Let me explain. We grew up on the bottom edge of middle class and top edge of poor depending on the times. However, when I was around 3 to 5 years old, we lived in the biggest house we ever had. It had an attic and full-size basement. For the rest of my childhood I would live either with other families or in single level houses with one bathroom and no room to hide per se.

It was also about this time that Superman II came out in the theaters. My father was a huge Superman fan, so we got to go see the special feature Superman I and then Superman II. It was there that I started to wonder if my dad was maybe a “Superman” in hiding.

My dad was handsome, the firstborn of his siblings (so maybe he came from another world), he had the goofiest side of him, and he had dark wavy hair that resulted in a curl that sometimes would fall in the middle of his forehead. He also was so strong, at least in the eyes of a child. I would watch him work on and break horses, chop wood, build/mend fences and of course lift whatever seemed impossible. I was convinced that he would protect our family from evil and maybe that was why he was up and gone so early in the morning.

I felt my dad may have kryptonite nearby as at times he would change and seem weaker but only for a short amount of time. As a child you notice things but don’t necessarily fully comprehend them. Also, there was an advantage to having such a large house, I didn’t hear nearly as much as I did in all the smaller houses. This isn’t to say I didn’t hear anything; I just didn’t understand exactly what was going on.

I remember sitting on the stairs and hearing the yelling and crying. I recall being scared, knowing not to go where the noise was, not to make a noise and not to say anything to anyone other than my sister. It’s funny when I look back, I don’t know how much of that is instinct and how much of it was my sister telling me what to do. Children shouldn’t have to “know” how to handle any of that really.

When we moved to smaller house and I’m got a bit older, it became very clear that my mother seemed to be an alien as well. She was funny, very creative, responsible and did the things you know moms should do. However, it was like she had something either inside her or that infected her, and she would change. When this happened, she must have either gotten out or emitted kryptonite, because my father was weak for days. It was insane to watch. My mother became something so scary and my father would seem frozen, barely speaking and afraid. I was so frightened by this scene every time it played out. If he, Superman, couldn’t handle what was inside her, then who could?

As I got older my mom’s inner alien didn’t just attack my father but would lash out at my sister and me. It was obvious that if he could not protect himself then he was powerless to shield us. At times it even seemed her power had grown to the point he was under her control. So, I did what I had to as well. Clean up the messes so things were not worse later, hide with my dog when I could, tried to be so well behaved to not cause any issues and accept this was our life.

There were people that knew, family and a few friends. I know we were not supposed to tell anyone because who knew what would happen. However, over the years I know a few adults figured things out or I said just enough. I think I was hoping that the Justice League would come and save Superman because he couldn’t fight this on his own. I never found them because I didn’t understand where to look. I finally stood up as a teenager and in a way became my own hero. I walked away from that family and told my father where to get help, to leave and he refused.

In a way, my dad will always be my childhood Superman. It is sad that he was conquered and broken. But I do believe in heroes. I work with them every day. They are part of the Justice League.
The National Domestic Violence Hotline 1-800-799-SAFE (7233)
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RESET

I wish our brains came with a CLT, ATL and Delete option. You know a task manager window to shut certain things down that you don’t want to think about anymore or seem to be just stuck on a loop. Also, I want the option to “restart” by shutting everything down and then just ready to go all clean and clear. Maybe for some people that is what a good night sleep is or a weekend off from work tends to do for them. Not me.

First, a good night’s sleep rarely comes and if it does, the other nights seem to undo it so quickly it is forgotten. Second, my stress at work is different than my stress in my personal life, so the time off is good but I can’t get time off from both. I joke with my husband that I might need a medically induced coma (no disrespect to anyone that has been there, I’m sure it is horrible). You see, I tend to throw myself into my work, sometimes too much, to get my mind off my personal issues when they are flaring up. Which helps until my stress level peaks on both ends and I am to a breaking point.

Okay, so that is kind of where I am right now.

What do I do? I can’t take time off work as I have three major projects due in September, October and November. Plus the day to day stuff that can be fast pace.

My personal stuff, well that is a lot I can’t control, but I am working so hard on “just letting go”. Some days I am better at it than others. It is easier said than done, especially when it comes up and in your face.

We live in a house my in-laws own and it has been mutually beneficial for a few reasons. However, their circumstances have changed and it isn’t as needed on their end. So I’m on the edge of my seat wondering when we might need to move because the might want to sell. It has gone from four years to maybe they will put it up for sale this fall. I really don’t know. Again there will be benefits on both sides as the housing market is a sellers’ market, but they don’t have to turn around a buy a house. It is definitely NOT a buyer’s market. Plus, I have to consider things with an autistic teen and his school. It’s the unknowing that is killing me, but what they can’t make a decision about I can’t force. So, on the edge of my seat I sit and have some anxiety.

My parents and I have such a broken relationship. I have tried to at the very least be mature and polite when I see them. I have made efforts of saying hello if we happen to be at a smaller gathering (such as a funeral). I even sent them an anniversary card and some money for dinner. This is even though they don’t acknowledge my anniversary, things in my life and tend to be very cold to me. In fact, almost two weeks ago they made a scene when I happened to show up at an older cousin’s house and they were there (this was not planned). They had to leave and made it obvious it was because I arrived. My cousin who had no idea what had been going on was so upset for me.

My sister is going thru a divorce. I reached out to her via a text and sent her a picture of something she wrote me years back. I got a thank you and nothing further. I feel for her soon to be ex who is not a bad guy but neither of them is happy. They are trying to keep it civil right now. He has always been so awesome with my son and wants to make sure that he can still be in his life. Their son, my nephew, is only 3 months older and the two boys are good friends. I told him that of course he would be as he is my son’s uncle. I am thinking that didn’t sit well with my sister if she heard about it, as now I’m unfriended on Facebook. Honestly, she hasn’t taken much of an interest in my son for 2 years now so it’s always been her husband that has picked him up or dropped off my nephew.
Then again I shouldn’t be surprised as my sister is moving in with my parents who seem to think that my existence is the cause for everything bad in the world. I really believe it has developed into one of those types of hates where a person can find that the way someone breathes is wrong.

Yes, I need to just walk away from them and not care. I can do that for a while and then things like running into them at my cousins happen. The embarrassment or anger that comes up just becomes a lot mentally and emotionally for me. In addition, I had one of my mom’s sisters telling me how my mom is so upset and I just needed to apologize and be good to her. When I asked her what my mom is so upset about or what I had done, my aunt couldn’t say. She actually said my mom didn’t answer that question, rather she would say things like “it’s so bad” or “there is just too much”. I turned that back on my aunt and said I’ve apologized for a lot of things but I can’t do it anymore. My mom can’t even tell me or anyone else why I’m so horrible. Or when she does it is things from long ago, things “others said” that she cannot name and has no proof of, or things that do not make sense. It’s easier for her to just tell people that I hurt her than explain why I’m not around.

That people are so ready to believe that I am the reason or “bad person” in that relationship is painful enough. I was grateful that my cousin was watching everyone’s behavior instead of just assuming blame.

Anyway… I need a reset. I need for my brain to start fresh. I would move farther away from my parents if I could, but I can’t. I can’t control what other people think, what they say or what decisions are not mine to make.

I will try to be more positive. I will try to slow down at work so I’m not drowning myself there. I’m going to attempt some additional self-care for 28 days to counteract this run of emotional and mental frustration.

CTL   ALT    DELETE     ……