This is not a blog about me whining over my lost youth… or that is not its intent. It’s a reflection on a life of a soon to (will be) 40 year old woman. Maybe it’s my admiration for Doogie Houser which compels me to write what is in my head for myself and possibly others to see. I think it is so I feel it is out there and maybe I’m not so alone or if I am maybe I’m a bit more understood.
If you look at my life from the outside, you would think that I am average and pretty successful. I’ve got a good job and am in a supervisor position in a somewhat notable job. If you were to know me on a personal level, you would know that like most people I have my personal issues and frustrations. The last 5 years or so have been quite hard. If you’re part of my outer family you might think I’m an utter failure because I didn’t turn out the way you wanted me to. The reality is that I’m SEEN in my “public” work life but rarely noticed in my private. Hell, I may be one of the most easily forgettable people in the world in my private life.
I am unique. We all are aren’t we? However, I feel like I did everything wrong, or at least wrong timing or not stamped with a seal of approval. Looking back there is very little I would change. Change… funny I feel I’ve lived different lives and been different girls/women. I think that is what females tend to do to survive. No offense men, a majority of you still get to be young at heart and play. But with women life changes us. Most of us adapt and adjust to be what we need to or more likely what others need us to be.
Recently I took the Briggs-Meyer’s personality test and I am an INTJ. It’s unique for a person to land that personality; more unique for a female. I took it more than once and it certainly fits. Even my husband who has seen me change says it is a good fit. Its logic driven thinking or processing things instead of emotional. Oh god how that changed…
Not too long ago my emotions overwhelmed me. The only break I got was at work. Because the “work” me had to focus and be what I needed to be to get the job done. I needed to lead, make quick decisions and not show any sign of distress even on only a few hours of sleep. I think the “work” me finally kicked the “emotional” me to the curb.
So now I’m sorting all of this out. This time with logic and with my head held much higher.