Where Were You? (Had to get it out to move past it)

Friends and family are people we think will be there for each other in our time of need.   Life hands us some crazy things, and well, we do some really stupid things to ourselves.  No one is perfect and no one should expect anyone else to be perfect. Forgiveness should be free flowing to those we really love because that is what we ask from those we love as well.

I’m sorry for pain that I’ve caused.  I was not an easy teenager and I know that I can say it like it is which can be too hard at times.  On the other side there is such a people pleaser, fixer, empathetic soul and desire to protect people from pain. Reality is most of it is none of my business or I will just make it worse anyway.

I’ve been there for you though.  Or I’ve attempted to.  Not for everything, I know.

Mom and Dad – I was there when things were bad.  I was confused as a kid and had no idea what to do.  Most of the time, I just tried to make sure not to make it worse.  I listen to both sides but didn’t voice much either way.  You both confided in me about things, big things, and I took the mature route to make sure you told each other.

My sister –  I don’t know where things went so wrong that we ended up so divided at some point.  We had the same friends, but different ways of living and dealing with life.  I was jealous of how everyone fell in love with your personality, your soul.  You hated me because of the way I looked or how the boys looked at me, even though in the end it wasn’t much to be jealous of.

My friends – I was there for many things.  When the few that were picked for the wedding party were being so hard and distant, I helped you with what you needed even though I knew I was still not going to be in the wedding.  When your world was falling apart and you were being cheated on I was there, even when you took him back.  Your dad was dying and I was so lost.  I felt guilty for being there even though you broke my boyfriend and me up and now was dating him.  I asked you if it was okay but still sat out in the hallway crying like I didn’t belong in there even though I’d known him since I was 6.  I took the fall when we got in trouble because I had done more things but I didn’t throw all of your stuff out there.  When your husband was dying I stayed with you and watched you fall apart but made sure you ate.  I tried to figure out what to do after that and even told you it was okay to be mad.  When we went away on a “girl’s” weekend I stood up for the two of you, a grieving widow and an isolated/depressed house wife when the other girls couldn’t see your pain.  I’ve helped you move, been your ear when your mom was dying and even got her to laugh, thrown baby showers when other relatives were upset, dropped everything when you called, researched your illness and cried with you.

My question now is where were you?

When my parents were freaking me out?   When I asked, no begged, for help for my boyfriend as he was not doing well?  When I was having a breakdown and it was very obvious?  When I was hurting myself?   When my heart was so broken, and my friends wanted to see how far they could push it?  When I broke down and told you what happened to me when I was young?  When my heart was broken again by a liar and a cheater?  When I lost myself?  When I was alone and ready to be done?  When I was pregnant and some of you shunned me because I was a disgrace?  When I found out I had cancer and was afraid of my own body (yeah, they removed it so it seemed no big deal to you)?  When my husband go really sick and I was scared?  When I seemed to be losing everything I worked so hard for?  When I had a breakdown because everything seemed too much?  When I found out my son was suicidal?  When I found out he had a behavioral and mental disorder, and was so lost?  Where were you?

You were somewhat there some of the times but not really.  There was a lot of judgment, “I told you so”, “you need to pray more and then you’ll be better”, “my issues are bigger than your”, “you’re a bad mother” and misinformation given but not a whole lot of love given.  I know I’ve had a lot to handle but I’ve helped you handle some big things too.  Where were you, for me?

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notfeeling40

I'm turning 40 in April 2017... So much seems to have happened and changed. I guess I am feeling I should have it figured out by 40, but does anyone every really have it all figured out?

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