I think one of the hardest things for a woman in getting older is losing and finding herself. The first half of my life has felt like I’ve been trying figuring some things out and transitioning. I was a child, teenager (rebellious), daughter, girlfriend, student, new wife, young mom and trying to figure out on an independent level as a person who I am. That is a lot in 40 years because you are never just one thing. Or I guess I never seemed to be.
So now what….
I am a mother of an adult daughter who started college this year. I have a son in high school that has some challenges and is on the autism spectrum. My husband has a career of his own. I have not been close to my parents in a while and cannot be unless I allow them to control many parts of my life. I do have contact with them and help them out. I just don’t spend much time and cannot really have open conversations with them. My career is going well and at this time I don’t really want to advance any further.
I’m a bit lost. I’m going to be 40 and although that is just a number it seems like a milestone. I’m not sure if I should have accomplished something else by now or if I’ve already done it. I also feel like I don’t know really who I am.
The most pressing worry currently is the fear that I am losing my beauty and sexiness. No, I don’t think that looks are all that make a woman. I believe it’s your brain, your body and the way you make a person feel. My goal is by no means to be a super model but rather to still catch the eye of my husband.
I guess after being married this long, I don’t feel mysterious anymore. My husband has seen every side of me and knows every story. We don’t talk like we used to. Asking how our days were seems to be either quick answers or one of us tuning out the other after a few seconds. I joke he doesn’t listen to me because I can repeat the same things, but we both know that at least half the time it is true. Okay, I can be guilty of it as well, but not nearly as often as he is. I think that I truly bore him. Maybe I bore myself a little. Although I can be a bit animated. But I get the feeling that looking at Amazon is more thrilling than his wife.
He doesn’t look at me like he used to. In the past, I would catch him staring at me. Now, he is staring at the computer, his phone, the TV, the dogs or even into space. It sucks that there was a time when we couldn’t get enough of each other. I know that time does that to every relationship. The beginning is always so thrilling and you feel like you can’t breathe without seeing the other person. We still have great sex… not to embarrass or give too much information. But I feel like it is 95% initiated by me. So either he doesn’t get in the mood until I get him there or he doesn’t feel like he can express he is in the mood. Both seem to be issues to me.
Before you jump on the “well did you let yourself go” train, I did years ago, but lost 60 lbs. I actually weigh less now than when he married me. I know things are as young or perky in some areas but I do take care of myself. I have had some health issues, have had kids, surgical scars are on my body but honestly I look pretty good in most areas… well at least that is what I tell myself. I am not trying to get ALL men to see me as sexy. Just the man that I want to spend the rest of my life turning his head. Maybe that isn’t realistic. I know deep down he loves me very much. There is not a fear that he is leaving me. The fear is that I am becoming boring and not good enough for him. I guess you could say my insecurities are showing.
Is this the beginning of my midlife crisis…….