Dear Daddy…..

Dear daddy, I’m don’t understand what went so wrong.  I watch all these women march and want to be heard by the highest ranking powers in this country. Me, I just would have liked a reply from a text message I sent you; just an acknowledgment from you.  But, I guess that was too much to ask.  I almost feel like I should apologize for the intrusion.

Dear daddy, you wanted me to be intelligent, independent, strong and honest, however it seems you hate me for becoming all of those things.  I didn’t realize that our relationship was only possible if it was designed and managed by you and mom.  The fact that I don’t see everything the same way and tell things as they are means that you have nothing to say to me.

Dear daddy, I thought that you were my hero when I was little.  Literally thought you might be Superman with you curly hair and goofy ways.  I kept waiting for you to protect us when things were bad.  The truth is that in the end I stood up for you.  I said what no one would say and didn’t back down.  It was for you because I didn’t even live there anymore.

Dear daddy, I screwed up when I was younger and I am sorry it came back on you.  I appreciate that you did help me for a time when I was so broken.  However, I didn’t know that the price was the rest of my life in your hands.  That it could be held against me and I would never be good enough again.  Everything I did from that point forward would be scrutinized.

Dear daddy, you said that you and mom felt you didn’t have to have a close relationship with my 13 year old son because he didn’t really communicate well.  That text messages were replied with one or two words and you felt more like a bother than loved.  We didn’t know he was autistic, neither did you. But what am I to think of the fact you don’t reply to my texts or emails.  Am I more of a bother than something you love?

Dear daddy, you said the most horrible things about me when you were hurt and didn’t have the right facts.  When you learned the truth and how I had been treated, your only reply was that I shouldn’t care what other people think.  No apology for saying the worst things ever said to me.  They still dance in my head.

Dear daddy, I don’t believe that you love me anymore.  I don’t know who you are or how you became this way.  You are part of the reason I have such fear when it comes to relationships.  I think that is why this is utterly painful and I feel so hollow… it’s bigger than you, but rather what you represent. 

Dear daddy, I’m done. 

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notfeeling40

I'm turning 40 in April 2017... So much seems to have happened and changed. I guess I am feeling I should have it figured out by 40, but does anyone every really have it all figured out?

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