Just Be Silent

Do you ever wonder how much anyone really listens to you?  I mean how much do they listen because it is the “polite thing to do” versus what they really want to do?  Really I guess it depends on the audience and the situation.  Well then again, maybe not that much.

At work I can give instructions or run a staff meeting and be met with blank stares.  I often wonder if I spoke in the same language or if they feel what I said was so stupid it didn’t need any consideration.  Later when someone totally does what they are not supposed to or is lost and I refer not only back to the meeting, but also the notes they got emailed to them afterwards, I am met with the same blank stare.  After a while you do wonder if it is them or if it is you?

It can be the same at home most of the time.  However, I do think my family tries more.  I just see the pain in their eyes of trying to be interested.  The eyes that glaze over, wander other places, the fidgeting and so forth.  So I ask them about their days.  Yeah, I don’t get much in return.  After all I am just the mom and wife.  I know that sometimes I will tell my teenagers that they need to approach things in a different manner.  Usually this is after they have continued to go about it a few different ways that is not working.  My daughter and her job is a great example.  She hates the manager and assistant manager but instead of dealing with them she talks horribly about them to others.  There is a little bit of effort to find another job but when I give her leads or suggestions she get upset.  So I guess I don’t say anything?  I should just be supportive and I should just be silent.

I’ve been trying new things to kind of “find myself”.  When my grandmother passed away I had all of her photos scanned and started on ancestry.com.  I am beginning to link who some of the people are in the photos.  To me it’s exciting; especially when others don’t have any photo’s uploaded publicly.  In a way it is finding my roots and honoring my grandmother, at least for me.   I’ve figured out who my great-great-great grandmother was and have a picture of her.  Basically I’ve been ignored by my father, even though this was his mother, and no real interest by anyone else close to me.  I feel alone again.  I guess I should look at it as self-satisfaction for me.   I really am trying to do that.

It just SUCKS that every time I get excited about something I feel like I am so alone and cannot share it, well not with anyone who is going to be excited.  There are other things that I’ve wanted to go to or do but I’ve just decided not to.  I hate that I will get excited and then feel like it is a burden or chore for my husband or someone to go with me.  I’d go alone but maybe that would tilt me too far.  Better just not to go at all.

I honestly think I could go days without saying more than a few sentences at home and it might go unnoticed.  Maybe it would be appreciated… lol.  I’m not saying I’m not loved, but I’m not really understood.  I don’t want to be a bother.  I don’t want to be “put up with”.

Maybe I should just be silent and find some way to be content in that quiet that they all enjoy.

If I could just get my head to just be silent too, I think it could all work out.


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I'm turning 40 in April 2017... So much seems to have happened and changed. I guess I am feeling I should have it figured out by 40, but does anyone every really have it all figured out?

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