What do you do when it hurts too much? It hurts too much to think, feel and sometimes even to breathe. I feel sometimes that I would be better off slipping into a dreamless sleep and staying there. I crave the quietness. My mind is filled with thoughts that can seem like they desperately scream for attention. Some tend to compete and even get mean if they feel they are ignored. Am I crazy?
It’s a funny thing to have so much noise in your head but also feel so alone. To crave quiet and desire conversation with an actual person seems contradictory. My soul wants to speak about deep things that require more than just fleeting thoughts. I want some passion and emotion behind the words. Reality though is I don’t think I can trust anyone to be that fully honest and open. I think that somehow they will not understand me and reject me. I am not a person easily loved or accepted.
Pain comes from all the desires that I know will never be met. From being told that I am not as important as all the other emails or texts that are received for me to get a reply, but that I shouldn’t take it “personal.” Pain is knowing that I will send a message periodically to see how my sister is doing, but she will not do the same for me.
I worry about others too much. Where is the off switch? Seriously! I just want it to just all stop. You hear how some people just say they don’t care or they stopped caring. “One day I decided I never wanted to feel that way again, so I didn’t.” Really? How? If it runs in my family to be so self-centered, then why is that not a trait I inherited?
I feel either angry or hurt. Well then there is the always pleasant numbness. It is during that stage I feel more like a robot going thru the motions. Even then though, there is still pain. I guess it is a good thing that I have a high tolerance for pain. That I am stubborn, have endurance and feel so much obligation. No sleeping, well not deep sleeping, for me. Not now, not yet. But I swear I am more than just tired.