Break For Five

When the world seems too much and my life too overwhelming I allow myself to break but just for a few minutes in a controlled way.   Maybe my day at work was too much.  I deal with things at times that others don’t want to and shouldn’t have to.  My heart has a soft spot for children and I see them get hurt in the process of parents who aren’t mature or just are selfish.  Then there are times that I wonder if I should have done something differently. 

People are angry when consequences come their way for their own actions so they tend to blame or try to guilt everyone around them.  It can take a toll.  Most of the time, I can take it because I see the whole picture and focus on needs to be done.   The choices and decisions in the end are not mine.   But some days they seem to get to me.

 

Those are the days I need someone to talk to.  I need to process things out of my head.  Those tend to be the days that I feel the most alone.  I can talk about my day without names or real specifics but at home I’m met with glazed eyes or eyes that are wandering to the TV.  It’s important and emotional to me but it not really understandable to them.   You can’t make someone understand that frustration or built up stress.  Not when they don’t have to see it, deal with it and honestly are not even listening to you.

 

I’m also stressed about other things too.  Recently I’ve been told that I need surgery on my deviated septum because I keep getting sinus infections and headaches.  I am all about just getting this done.  I was told years ago that I would need to but honestly I avoided it.  However, having a headache for months now I can’t stand it.  I am FREAKED OUT at the thought of my face being somewhat broken in the nose area and bone removed then reset.  I mean IT’S MY FACE and I am hoping all goes well.  The other side of it is that I do not take pain pills well.  Meaning that I vomit over and over again whenever they have given me anything other than morphine, so that really sucks.  When I’ve gone home after surgeries I have only been able to take aspirin or Tylenol.  I’m afraid of the pain.  Trying to balance that out with the fact I’ve had a headache and face pain for so long…

 

So those things on top of other things and other things…. Well I needed to just be able to cry and break.  I allow myself to do this every now and then.  I can’t do this at work.  I can’t even really do this in front of my husband because he doesn’t know what to do.  I’m the mature, responsible one at work and the strong one that will just deal with it. 

 

So I take a hot bath. Light candles (actually mine are battery operated), turn on some music, put some lavender salts to soak in and turn on the jets in the tub on high.  Then I let myself feel everything.  I tend to have a bit of an anxiety attack or a huge one.  Then just cry while the jets hit my body like someone or something is beating me up.  I do this for a few minutes until it’s all out, I’m out of breath and I’m exhausted.   Then I catch my breath and sit there numb trying to not think about anything for the next while.  When I get out my eyes are red and I look relaxed not just done.  Then tomorrow I can get up and face the world again. 

 

After all I got to take a break from it, didn’t I? 

 

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notfeeling40

I'm turning 40 in April 2017... So much seems to have happened and changed. I guess I am feeling I should have it figured out by 40, but does anyone every really have it all figured out?

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