I Am A Survivor

I often forget the amount of things that life has handed me or horrible choices I myself have made that I have had to survive or endure.  At times when I feel weak or like I can’t go on I need to remind myself how much I have come thru.  There must be a reason, right?  Although at times I do feel like it is too much or that I’m too tired to deal with anymore.  But if I have survived these things or am surviving them, then I guess maybe I am strong.

          I came from a home where my mother, who was abused as a child, abused her own children.  She believed that fear was the same as respect.  Although she could be fun and loving at moments, it was scary to not know what mother I might encounter.

          I witnessed my father be emotionally, physically and mentally attacked by my mother for years.  He did little to nothing to protect himself or us girls when she became that way.

          When I was about 9 I was hit by a car by an older lady as I was crossing the street. 

          At age 16 I had a male stalker that would call my father every Thursday night for over 3 months and tell him things about me.  Where I had been, who I was with and things he wanted to do to me.  The police could not do anything and I still have no idea who he was. 

          At age 16 I was also one of the many that were victims/witnesses of an armed robbery.   As my parents were able to ID him and it was a big story, my father was a spokesperson on the news.  They caught the guy and then he escaped.  I was terrified.  Almost 6 months later they did recapture him.  At his trial, which I was a back-up witness (underage but subpoenaed), his friends came out of the courtroom and threatened my father and the judge.  We were escorted out the back of the courthouse. 

          At age 17 and 18 two people I knew committed suicide.  I saw how much it affected so many people.  One of the people who felt so broken to take his life was my boyfriend’s best friend.  His death broke my boyfriend in so many ways that I lost him over a year as he became someone very different. 

          I was raped.  Never reported it because I felt I would be blamed or not believed.   Well the reason is below.

          In high school and out I was labeled a whore and slut due to some misinformation in a specific group of people.  They looked at me one way and it didn’t matter what I did or said.

          I was cheated on and dumped by my fiancé.  Somehow, it seemed to be funny or good gossip material rather than that I deserved sympathy even from so called childhood friends.  My parents wanted me to still be with him regardless of his actions. 

          I became a single parent for two years after a poor choice and crying in someone else’s arms.  My mother and father helped but always attempted to out parent me.  I always felt like a burden and failure until I left when I married a wonderful man.

          I almost bled to death after the birth of my daughter.  I was told I may not live and was scared of who would raise her.

          Two different spots were diagnosed as positive for melanoma skin cancer.  One was deep enough they had to do additional surgery and take one of my lymph nodes out to make sure it didn’t spread.  I am very fortunate.  (Well so far it will be a continued battle).

          Later a doctor told me I had a tumor the “size of a baby’s head” in my uterus.  It turned out to be an Ovarian Serous Borderline Tumor they treat like Ovarian Cancer. 

           I’ve been abandoned by friends.  Abandoned by family who refused to tell me the reason. 

          My parents will not be supportive of things in my life unless I allow them to control certain things in my life.  If I don’t they will not only turn a cold shoulder they will also try to make sure no one else is supportive either. 

          Survived the loss of many loved ones.  A few that were the only ones that I knew for sure loved me as a child when I have never known if my parents actually did. 

          I’ve been threatened physical harm in my job.

          My son has been diagnosed with both a behavioral and mental disorder.  At one point I was afraid I would lose him to suicide.  (My parents blame me for his diagnosis and have made this harder for him).

          This world as it is and the ignorance that is behind mental illness and domestic violence… but I’m attempting the change that. 

I know there are a lot of people who have survived a lot worse or things a lot longer.  Some stories make my skin crawl and my brain can’t wrap around how anyone can function.  It just goes to show how strong the core of people can be.  What we think might break us or someone else, can actually be what makes a person more empathetic and stronger.  I read somewhere that people who have been victims in life are special because they know how to survive.  So when or if the world falls apart they will be the ones victorious.  Maybe that is what I want to believe.  All the bad or hurtful things that people may have to go thru are not without some benefit that will be reaped above those that cause them.    

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notfeeling40

I'm turning 40 in April 2017... So much seems to have happened and changed. I guess I am feeling I should have it figured out by 40, but does anyone every really have it all figured out?

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