How do I explain this to you, when it really isn’t very clear to me? I am totally in love. I am a very fortunate woman when it comes to the man that married me. He can give me the moments that I feel bliss. All the sudden the crowded thoughts and even the aching go on pause. Nonetheless, with every pause means that stillness ends and things continue.
“You choose to be happy” or “just don’t think about it anymore” is wonderful advise. Really! I wish I had thought of those things at age 10 or 11. I’m good now. Thanks.
Okay, sorry. I know well-meaning people say those things and maybe it even works for “normal people”. But there is a part of me that is broken, twisted, cracked or caged. I don’t know how to define it precisely. So this is my attempt.
I’m having a great day. Let’s say I’m spending it with my husband and kids. We’re having fun and doing something simple. I’m free and in the moment. Then it happens. It’s like standing outside when the air changes and a storm is rolling in. I can feel it just spool into my mind and stream thru my body. The air is different, thicker and I have to adjust the way I breathe. My skin feels pin pricks and my body is colder. Yet, to everyone else around, not one thing has altered. I excuse myself for a moment and try to take a few breaths. Coach myself to act normal. There are times I know I pull it off well. At times I know I grow quieter and say I’m just tired or have a headache. It’s always apparent in my eyes.
What is that feeling? Depression. I can tell you I physically can feel like crap. Believe me when I say, I really desire that was not the case. There is a weight on my chest, ache inside my body and I am tired. The thoughts that pop up are so indiscriminate. They can be things people said to me years ago. My head is crowded with voices. Or they can be my own thoughts of feeling like I just don’t belong. I mean after all I am playing a part. I’m different and suddenly everyone is going to figure it out. They are going to reject me. It’s going to hurt.
Yes, these moments pass. I’m drained and sometimes it takes days to feel like I actually recover. Pretty messed up.
I feel the best when I am in my husband’s arms. It’s like he has a healing power radiating off him. However, even there after a bit, it’s like a small part of me is caged up and screaming on the inside. My husband’s mind will be completely empty. Mine is working overtime. I’m thinking about work, the kids, cleaning, a conversation plays in my head I’ve had, a conversation is playing that I plan to have, I’m aware of every noise and so on. Maybe that is why there is the part inside me that seems to be screaming. It has to scream because my head is so loud. Maybe this portion of me is the missing ability to pacify myself and be normal. God I’m so tired.
I’m 40 years old and I’m exhausted. Love for my family presses me on. I know they will never really understand. Nevertheless I hope they know I’m so sorry I’m not normal. I never mean to ruin a moment when we are together. I wish I could choose or will these things away.