Where Does It End; I’m Tired

How do we do it? Or I guess how do other people keep doing it? I’m so tired. I feel like I have two different people living in me. There is person one that has to be responsible, strong, leader and constantly striving to be the better person. Then there is person two that has depression, anxiety, constantly doubts herself, feels like she doesn’t belong and is drowning. I live as person one day to day but person two is in my head constantly too.
Most of the time, I feel I keep them pretty separate. Only my very close family is aware of the second person or at least that it is present as much as it is. I have to keep person two away from work. I am already under a microscope and honestly if they knew every decision I make would be questioned. Some of my “friends” or people that have known me understand I fight a battle but still see me as so strong. I’ve even been told that I’m seen as someone that doesn’t need anyone’s help. Rather they come to me when they are at the end of their rope. Possible cop out so they do not have to be there for me, but whatever.
Lately I feel like both my worlds have collided. I cannot rid myself of person two and my depression is sitting on me like a heavy wet coat. I can’t get warm. I’m so tired. I just want to give up.
I can’t get things done fast enough at work. I’m dealing with people who are abusive and it is reminding me of some things I went thru when I was younger. Our leaders have decided to not give “noticeable” raises this year to people who have been with our organization longer because they want to retain newer employers to avoid turnover. The theory is that those of us that have been working there longer will stay as we are “invested”. So year two of me being screwed over with little to no raise; my hard work doesn’t seem to matter anyway. I’m just stuck. I have nowhere to go for a few years.
I have started gaining my weight back. I have lost so much motivation in so many ways. All I keep thinking is that no matter what, tomorrow will be the same battle. I’m tired of not seeing an end. I literally hated the movie “Groundhog Day”.
How do people do it? Push thru the gray and carry the weight? Keep things separate and feel whole? I’m too tired to figure it out on my own…
I know, I know… one day at a time and it will get better. That is what I’ve always done and that is what everyone expects.


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I'm turning 40 in April 2017... So much seems to have happened and changed. I guess I am feeling I should have it figured out by 40, but does anyone every really have it all figured out?

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