When did it get so messed up? Wait when was it not messed up?
I love you. I do.
I don’t know that you love me. I don’t know that you have ever loved me in the same way. I know you don’t now.
I worry about you. I know you don’t worry about me. I do wonder if I ever cross your mind. Is it only when other people bring up my name? Do you ever have dreams about me? What about songs or random memories? What do you feel when you hear my name? Is there anything that stirs deep down inside you when you think about my kids?
I always dreamt of having a big brother. I had a few friends that kind of fit that role when we were teens that looked after me. That was so comforting when they were there for me. I felt stronger and loved. Reality is that I am YOUR baby sister; YOUR only sibling. There isn’t such an age gap in the 2 years apart. Some of our friends ran in the same circle. Maybe that was part of the problem. You saw me as a rival instead of your baby sister. I always wanted to be your friend. I often just tried to leave you alone as that is what you seemed to want.
I dreamt about you last night. I wanted to protect you. I was searching for you; calling for you. When I found you, I was trying to get you out of the trance you were in. You were so cold and transforming into someone else. I was trying to remind you of who you were until I was crying. You just wanted me to get away from you. It broke my heart. I failed.
When I woke-up and lay in bed this morning where it hit me. I am the baby of the family but you’ve never really protected me. Images just started flowing thru my mind….
My first week of kindergarten when we were leaving the school you let go of the very heavy door which flew shut and knocked me out cold. Times I was so scared when our parents were fighting; you never consoled or comforted me although I was upset. When I was hit by a car, both you and mom had run ahead and let me walk thru the crosswalk alone. The lady didn’t see me as I was much smaller and hit me. You made it verbally clear you were not worried about me in the ER but rather were frustrated we were not at lunch; I had delayed that for you. If I never said so, I’m sorry for the inconvenience that caused you that day. I had horrible anxiety about the house being clean/our chores done before mom got home to avoid punishment and/or a horrible night, but you and your friends would make fun of me as I would run around trying to get things done. You would wait until the last minute to do yours to keep my anxiety so high or see if I would just do them for you. When my boyfriend of two years and I had broken up and you knew he was dating our friend, you gave me no heads up, but rather took me to a BBQ where I would find out on purpose to see my reaction. Every loss of a friend or relative has been me mourning alone or you telling me not to talk about it with you. If we did talk about it you often forgot I knew them or it was clear that you had more of a right to be upset by the loss than I ever would. When I found out my son was going thru so much and was going to be diagnosed with Autism, where were you? You were not there for me. Instead you were with our mother saying horrible things about me as a mother. You weren’t there for my son, nor showed any concern for his future. Not finding out the facts, not concerned about his depression or mine, not there for my daughter or husband but rather feeding into the twistedness of our parents. What was there to gain from that? If it was to punish me for whatever perceived wrong my parents felt I had done, why did it hurt and damage the rest of my family? My minor children deserved the pain, bad mouthing and seemingly abandonment I guess so that later it could be blamed on me.
Why? What horrible thing have I ever done to you? Sisters don’t always get along. I am sure I was a pain at times. I don’t expect us to be best friends, but at least to be there for each other. We did that for a time you know. It seems like a short number of years. But it was years that our parents were not AS involved in our lives; or we didn’t let them dominate them at the very least.
You were my Lamaze coach for my daughter as I was the disgrace having a child out of wedlock. I appreciated that you would help me some mornings with a newborn when we all lived back at mom and dad’s. You were the first person I told when I was engaged. I asked you to be in my wedding as you were my only sister and you were. You even seemed happy for me that day at the courthouse. We know mom and dad were not, but they were there. I was in your wedding when you eloped. You looked so beautiful and had so much fun. You were also there for the birth of my son. I’ve been at the hospital when all three of you babies where brought into this world. I am so happy that at the very least our sons are so close in age and friends.
You dealt with a lot growing up in the same home. We are so different and dealt with then in such different ways. Yes, it wasn’t all bad. We had some great times and wonderful memories. Mom and dad could really try to make things fun. However, you moved out as soon as you could to get away from them at age 18. Then later when we both ended up back with them due to circumstances, you again left but when they were away so you wouldn’t have to deal with any confrontations. You complained about how they treated you. You hated how she talked to dad. I know you cried in how you were talked to and talked about. You would just never cry in front of them. I hated it too. I cried for you.
That’s where we differ. I have been or tried to be a protector for you. Yes, me the baby sister protecting and standing up for my big sister. The roles in our family have always been messed up. I promised myself that I would never talk to you the way mom did. I never said anything about your weight (which mom exaggerated way too much) or things of that matter. I felt it was so cruel. Think about it, I never have even in our worst arguments. I actually ended up yelling at mom later when I finally stood up to her in my teen years. I hated the way she talked to you and dad. Believe me that came up and I true to my nature was blunt when I talked to her.
I know that people are naturally drawn to you and tend to just love you. I was the rebel child and you did live a much more “moral” lifestyle. So when a girl started telling people at school that you were a drunk I threated to beat her up. Yep, I got in trouble for it, but honestly I would do it all over again. In the beginning of your marriage when he didn’t quite get that he can’t control where you go and so forth, it was me that stood up for you. I know you remember that I talked to him on the phone more than once when you were at my house. I also would go to your house and make sure things were alright. He knew very clearly how I felt and we had conversations about certain issues. Things settled down and he realized there was a better way to be as a husband. Don’t you remember the girl’s weekend that went so badly? Some of our old friends talked down to you and made some very demeaning remarks to you. They were being so snobby and acting so horrible to you and one other girl. It was me, yes me that finally had it and told them off. They apologized to you after we got home and realized how offended you were, but they stayed mad at me. I was 100% okay with them being mad at me as long as you they made it right with you.
All these years my biggest fear is that I would become her. I never prepared myself, nor thought that you would be the one that could start to slip that way. Now I want to protect you from yourself and I don’t know how. Actually I know it is not my place and I know I can’t. Don’t become like her. You will never fully please them. I am just weeping for your kids at this point. I feel like the most worthless protector in the world.
I know I’ve already lost you. You’re already gone. Maybe you were only here for that handful of years where we were so active in each other’s life.
I always dreamt of having a big sister or brother that would protect and care about me.
Maybe I’ll stop dreaming of you.