I wish our brains came with a CLT, ATL and Delete option. You know a task manager window to shut certain things down that you don’t want to think about anymore or seem to be just stuck on a loop. Also, I want the option to “restart” by shutting everything down and then just ready to go all clean and clear. Maybe for some people that is what a good night sleep is or a weekend off from work tends to do for them. Not me.
First, a good night’s sleep rarely comes and if it does, the other nights seem to undo it so quickly it is forgotten. Second, my stress at work is different than my stress in my personal life, so the time off is good but I can’t get time off from both. I joke with my husband that I might need a medically induced coma (no disrespect to anyone that has been there, I’m sure it is horrible). You see, I tend to throw myself into my work, sometimes too much, to get my mind off my personal issues when they are flaring up. Which helps until my stress level peaks on both ends and I am to a breaking point.
Okay, so that is kind of where I am right now.
What do I do? I can’t take time off work as I have three major projects due in September, October and November. Plus the day to day stuff that can be fast pace.
My personal stuff, well that is a lot I can’t control, but I am working so hard on “just letting go”. Some days I am better at it than others. It is easier said than done, especially when it comes up and in your face.
We live in a house my in-laws own and it has been mutually beneficial for a few reasons. However, their circumstances have changed and it isn’t as needed on their end. So I’m on the edge of my seat wondering when we might need to move because the might want to sell. It has gone from four years to maybe they will put it up for sale this fall. I really don’t know. Again there will be benefits on both sides as the housing market is a sellers’ market, but they don’t have to turn around a buy a house. It is definitely NOT a buyer’s market. Plus, I have to consider things with an autistic teen and his school. It’s the unknowing that is killing me, but what they can’t make a decision about I can’t force. So, on the edge of my seat I sit and have some anxiety.
My parents and I have such a broken relationship. I have tried to at the very least be mature and polite when I see them. I have made efforts of saying hello if we happen to be at a smaller gathering (such as a funeral). I even sent them an anniversary card and some money for dinner. This is even though they don’t acknowledge my anniversary, things in my life and tend to be very cold to me. In fact, almost two weeks ago they made a scene when I happened to show up at an older cousin’s house and they were there (this was not planned). They had to leave and made it obvious it was because I arrived. My cousin who had no idea what had been going on was so upset for me.
My sister is going thru a divorce. I reached out to her via a text and sent her a picture of something she wrote me years back. I got a thank you and nothing further. I feel for her soon to be ex who is not a bad guy but neither of them is happy. They are trying to keep it civil right now. He has always been so awesome with my son and wants to make sure that he can still be in his life. Their son, my nephew, is only 3 months older and the two boys are good friends. I told him that of course he would be as he is my son’s uncle. I am thinking that didn’t sit well with my sister if she heard about it, as now I’m unfriended on Facebook. Honestly, she hasn’t taken much of an interest in my son for 2 years now so it’s always been her husband that has picked him up or dropped off my nephew.
Then again I shouldn’t be surprised as my sister is moving in with my parents who seem to think that my existence is the cause for everything bad in the world. I really believe it has developed into one of those types of hates where a person can find that the way someone breathes is wrong.
Yes, I need to just walk away from them and not care. I can do that for a while and then things like running into them at my cousins happen. The embarrassment or anger that comes up just becomes a lot mentally and emotionally for me. In addition, I had one of my mom’s sisters telling me how my mom is so upset and I just needed to apologize and be good to her. When I asked her what my mom is so upset about or what I had done, my aunt couldn’t say. She actually said my mom didn’t answer that question, rather she would say things like “it’s so bad” or “there is just too much”. I turned that back on my aunt and said I’ve apologized for a lot of things but I can’t do it anymore. My mom can’t even tell me or anyone else why I’m so horrible. Or when she does it is things from long ago, things “others said” that she cannot name and has no proof of, or things that do not make sense. It’s easier for her to just tell people that I hurt her than explain why I’m not around.
That people are so ready to believe that I am the reason or “bad person” in that relationship is painful enough. I was grateful that my cousin was watching everyone’s behavior instead of just assuming blame.
Anyway… I need a reset. I need for my brain to start fresh. I would move farther away from my parents if I could, but I can’t. I can’t control what other people think, what they say or what decisions are not mine to make.
I will try to be more positive. I will try to slow down at work so I’m not drowning myself there. I’m going to attempt some additional self-care for 28 days to counteract this run of emotional and mental frustration.
CTL ALT DELETE ……