I’ve Lost My Faith and It Scares Me

This isn’t something I say out loud or when I do talk about I walk around it in a wide circle. Maybe it is because the wound is too deep, too fresh or I am not sure how to explain it.
Do I believe in God? I grew up with such a strong belief. You have no idea how strong it was. I loved the Bible and prayer could be the only thing that could take some anxiety away. I wanted to believe that someone was happy I was alive and found all the parts of me special. Maybe that is what I needed. But why do I feel so alone and let down?
I cannot deny a God. I don’t believe that creation itself was just a happy accident and evolved over time. I do believe the perfection of the Earth and mankind had to be the result of higher power beings. I just don’t know if we, or if I matter anymore. Kind of like a science experiment that was interesting for years but then got put on shelves behind other projects that came and went over time. Maybe we were just such a disappointment or boring.
Oh I know, the Bible says the world will get worse and then we will all be judged for the better or worse. How much worse does it have to get? Why is it that the very religious people in my family make me feel the worst about myself and live by their own rules? You know the ones that apply only to others but they somehow have exceptions? In the Bible, Jesus said “they will know you are my people because you have love among yourselves” and “to love your neighbor”.
I see one or the other. If you are ACTIVELY a part of said religion (pretty much all of them) then they will be kinder to you. If you aren’t going as much, giving as much or doing something they aren’t a fan of then well that love is subjective and you feel very unworthy. It’s like they can treat you like crap because you caused it. Or they preach and show love for their neighbors while neglecting their “flock” because they are recruiting or making themselves look really good. Acceptance is rare and being judgmental seems to be just fine for the “upper half” of the church members. It is almost like being back in high school at times.
My parents don’t really care if I’m alive or dead. I think in many ways they feel it would be easier for them if I was dead. How am I supposed to feel about that? Especially since my father preaches from the stage of the church about family, love and God. I’m not angry at “God”, but I just don’t know how I feel about if he is present, feel about any religion or where I fit into all of it.
I’ve lost my faith. I’ve lost my family. I’ve lost my friends. I feel horrible. I just can’t be what my parents want me to be. This makes me “bad”, “dangerous” and “crazy”. I can’t be lie, pretend or feel like I am less than all of them each and every time I go.
So where does that leave me? Feeling so cold. Feeling so wrong no matter what.
I’ve even gotten to the point where the thought of heaven or paradise doesn’t appeal to me much. I mean the people I miss so much will be there. Realistically the people they missed more will be there too. Their lost parents, children, siblings and so forth. I know I am down the list quite a ways and it won’t really hurt them too badly. My parents and sister don’t miss me while I’m still alive so why would they rejoice to see me later? I almost could feel them groan if I made it and it wasn’t something they could take credit for.
I’m scared because I no longer want that future. I just don’t want one at all. I don’t want to be a burden. I don’t want to be hurt and I don’t want to hurt anyone anymore.
I’ve lost my faith and I think that means that I’m just a lost cause.

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Published by

notfeeling40

I'm turning 40 in April 2017... So much seems to have happened and changed. I guess I am feeling I should have it figured out by 40, but does anyone every really have it all figured out?

One thought on “I’ve Lost My Faith and It Scares Me”

  1. I am a extremely religious woman now at this point in my life. Growing up my family attended church always…my father is Deacon still and my mother is a ordained minister. Once I became an adult I did not go to church at all. My faith & relationship with God only came to existence GOD himself showed ME. ( READ MY BLOG) The bible says in Proverbs 22:6
    “Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it.” What God has deposited in you will never fade away. Straighten your CROWN QUEEN👑

    Like

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