The “A” Word That Scares Me

So I got feedback today on my brain; well my neurological cognitive functioning. I’ve had some issue with memory and being “spacey” for the last 6 months or more. At times it is like my brain freezes and simple words just can’t be found. I imagine I have the spinning circle of a computer loading a program then it needs to shut the program down. So the “major” contributor “most likely” is a side effect of one of the medications I’ve been on for almost 2 years. However, they did some major testing to eliminate other issues.

My EEG and MRI (with and without contrast) came back fine. I was sent to a psych doctor to do testing on memory and problem solving. Now, I’ve been a mystery reader and lover my whole life. I problem solve at work and home all the time. So getting my feedback was a bit surprising or not what I was expecting…

The psychologist stated although I scored well in most areas, there were just two I scored extremely low in. The first was mental flexibility when problem solving and failing. Granted I can see this, as with the testing I could not physically get up and walk away or go back to things later. The pressure to solve everything right then and there especially having to recall things that were said to me, was very difficult for me to switch gears. I feel like I just need to continue to until I get over the “hump” that is missing. So I’ll keep doing the same thing over and over expecting my brain to just power thru.  However, if I have the chance to walk away or take a break I can see a different way to go about something.

The second issue was paying attention fully to conversations, well, certain types of them. I think I was dumbfounded by this feedback as I listen to people all the time.  However, I guess I’ll go inside my own mind instead of completely track things.  To be fair I tend to understand the gist of what the person was saying but I check out.

The doctor went on to tell me that he believes I have PTSD and anger issues. I cried at the thought of anger issues. When he asked me why that bothered me so much, I told him I don’t want anger issues, I don’t like or feel comfortable expressing anger and I’m scared of becoming like my mom. He stated that his further analysis was very fitting then.  He found that the anger I feel I tend to turn inward towards myself. So although I feel resentment, anger and frustration, I will take it out on myself rather than anyone else. This causes me to become overwhelmed emotionally and at times to shut down.  Okay I have to admit there have been times I have felt so emotional and became exhausted.  I think that it both that I can’t really function and/or don’s want to.

Am I angry? Yes, I am angry. I have conversations inside my head all the time. I am angry at the people that should have protected me that didn’t; should have loved me but couldn’t; or could attempt to understand me but won’t. However, I’m angry that I am different. I am angry that I care. I am angry that I can’t just move on and forget it all. I am angry that I still have nightmares. I am angry that people don’t care about other people. I am angry that there are still bullies out there today. I am angry I can’t save some people. I am angry that I am alive. I am angry that I allowed myself to have kids that need me so I have to stay alive. I am angry because I feel my husband deserves better than me. But most of all I am angry because I feel the way I do period.

So what does a person like me do? I can’t make amends with certain people; I’ve tried and it made things worse. Turn to God? The people that left me when I most needed them throughout my life are who taught me about God. They tell me the bad in my life is pretty much my fault. Maybe I’m not good enough for God or maybe I just keep failing his tests. Every time I reach out in a formal way, they slap my hand away or find a way to ruin it. So it just fuels my depression and anger.  I don’t know how I feel about God to be honest.  It is a mess inside my head between what I was taught and what I see.

I work in a job that tries to focus on others and their needs. It reminds me that others have it worse or that I might be able to help them. The failures of when things go wrong make me wonder about what I am doing and if I cause more harm than good. I have some great stories that are “wins” but I have some nightmares that are tragic.

I love my husband with all my heart. I love both of my kids. I wonder if I am a good mother or the mother that they will have to overcome in their life. I feel things so deeply. I have conversations in my head with myself reasoning out all these different feelings. What things I should say or show versus what I keep to myself.

There are so many things I feel. It is so strange that I am angry but I feel so fearful of saying that I am out loud. Maybe I am afraid that my anger is what will ultimately destroy me someday.

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notfeeling40

I'm turning 40 in April 2017... So much seems to have happened and changed. I guess I am feeling I should have it figured out by 40, but does anyone every really have it all figured out?

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