My Mixed-up Mind

How do I explain this to you, when it really isn’t very clear to me?  I am totally in love.  I am a very fortunate woman when it comes to the man that married me.  He can give me the moments that I feel bliss.  All the sudden the crowded thoughts and even the aching go on pause.  Nonetheless, with every pause means that stillness ends and things continue.

“You choose to be happy” or “just don’t think about it anymore” is wonderful advise. Really!  I wish I had thought of those things at age 10 or 11.  I’m good now.  Thanks. 

Okay, sorry.  I know well-meaning people say those things and maybe it even works for “normal people”.    But there is a part of me that is broken, twisted, cracked or caged.  I don’t know how to define it precisely.  So this is my attempt. 

I’m having a great day.  Let’s say I’m spending it with my husband and kids.  We’re having fun and doing something simple.  I’m free and in the moment.  Then it happens.  It’s like standing outside when the air changes and a storm is rolling in.  I can feel it just spool into my mind and stream thru my body.  The air is different, thicker and I have to adjust the way I breathe.  My skin feels pin pricks and my body is colder.  Yet, to everyone else around, not one thing has altered.  I excuse myself for a moment and try to take a few breaths.  Coach myself to act normal.  There are times I know I pull it off well.  At times I know I grow quieter and say I’m just tired or have a headache.  It’s always apparent in my eyes. 

What is that feeling?  Depression.  I can tell you I physically can feel like crap.  Believe me when I say, I really desire that was not the case.  There is a weight on my chest, ache inside my body and I am tired.  The thoughts that pop up are so indiscriminate.  They can be things people said to me years ago.  My head is crowded with voices.  Or they can be my own thoughts of feeling like I just don’t belong.  I mean after all I am playing a part.  I’m different and suddenly everyone is going to figure it out.  They are going to reject me.  It’s going to hurt. 

Yes, these moments pass.  I’m drained and sometimes it takes days to feel like I actually recover.  Pretty messed up.

I feel the best when I am in my husband’s arms.  It’s like he has a healing power radiating off him.  However, even there after a bit, it’s like a small part of me is caged up and screaming on the inside.  My husband’s mind will be completely empty.  Mine is working overtime.  I’m thinking about work, the kids, cleaning, a conversation plays in my head I’ve had, a conversation is playing that I plan to have, I’m aware of every noise and so on.  Maybe that is why there is the part inside me that seems to be screaming.  It has to scream because my head is so loud.  Maybe this portion of me is the missing ability to pacify myself and be normal.  God I’m so tired.

I’m 40 years old and I’m exhausted.  Love for my family presses me on.  I know they will never really understand.  Nevertheless I hope they know I’m so sorry I’m not normal.  I never mean to ruin a moment when we are together.  I wish I could choose or will these things away. 

Physical vs Emotional Pain

I have a theory.   Or maybe it was more of a thought that became a comparison in my life.  We tend to handle our mental/emotional pain the same way we do our physical pain. 

My husband when he is in pain will ignore it as much as he can until he HAS to go to a doctor.  However, most of the time he believes that if he can just make himself go to sleep that in the morning things are better.  This applies to physical illness as well as a bad day.  He is forever the optimist that things “somehow just work out.”  Only in deep severe cases will he call for help and then it is someone else’s job to figure what’s wrong and then how to fix it.  After that, well he knows the issue and either adjusts to live with it or knows who to call to figure it out. 

These last few weeks have been hard on me and I could feel a storm of emotions stirring.  Try as I may I was unable to avoid the hurricane.  The pain that washed over me all at one time and I was under attack.  There is no quick fix for me.  I barely sleep on a regular basis as my mind loves to think, makes lists, relive conversations and so on.  I have to make things “work out, somehow” in my head. 

Let me tell you a little about physical pain and my abilities to handle it.  I am one of those fortunate people who will never have to worry about becoming a heroin or pill addict.  Norco or most pain meds outside of over-the-counter Tylenol or things given to me via IV with an anti-nausea mixture will make me instantly ill.  So after every surgery, my hysterectomy to sinus surgery on my face, I can’t take pain medications at home.  I get to tough it out with regular doses of Tylenol.  When reality I want to jump out of my skin and run away from the pain.  I can’t sleep, I pace, I’ll try to distract myself, I get angry but I remind myself that I will get thru it.  This pain is temporary and I’m tough. 

This latest depression that was so dark and so hurtful hit like a hurricane.  I wanted to jump out of my skin and run away from the thoughts and the pain.  I didn’t want to be inside myself and I just wanted it all to go away.  I was angry.  Why me?  I’m so damn tired of having to deal with this.  Why can’t I just go to sleep and wake up feeling better?  Why do my dreams when I sleep turn into part of this nightmare?  Why am I alone in dealing with this?  Doesn’t anyone see this?  Doesn’t anyone care?

I made it thru.  I have a 100% success rate for that so far.  After all, I’m tough and the pain is temporary.  However, I was reminded of a very big analogy last night as I lay in bed and my husband slept next to me. 

When we had our son things happened fast; too fast.   The doctor broke my water and said he would be back as I wasn’t dilated much.  I went for one lap around the maternity floor (not that big of a hospital) when I started having huge labor pains.  I called for the nurse to come in, which took a few minutes.  When she came in she told me we had to move to another room fast.  Apparently I was dilating rapidly and we were not in a birthing room.  Quickly we settled in another room and upon another check I was told it was too late to have ANY pain meds at all administered.  Yeah, so I had natural child birth.  Did I mention it was rapid.  To give you an idea, from the time my water broke to delivery was just over 2 hours.

I felt like my body was being ripped in half.  I don’t think that I had much of a break between my worst contractions.  I had my daughter 4 years before but was able to have something for the pain and it lasted at least 3 hours longer.  However, next to me was my HUSBAND.  I kept telling him to help me.  My husband sat next to me and calmly would say that he couldn’t but he was there for me.  He would tell me to breathe and hold my hand.  I know he knew I was in pain, but the reality was he couldn’t take it away and it was something I had to do on my own.  It was excruciating but temporary and I was tough enough to make it through.  Yes, I was sad and angry that I was the only one in the room in pain.  However, that didn’t change what the situation was nor did it mean my husband loved me any less.

So you see this weekend, when I broke.  My husband didn’t know what to do.  He let me be angry.  Then when I was sad he sat next to me on the bed and was just there.  He couldn’t do anything to take it away and he couldn’t go thru it with me in a sense.  I was tired of doing all alone.  But he was there, telling me to breathe and reminding me that he loved me.  It’s temporary, even though it can be excruciating there is an end.  Even if he can’t feel it, fix it or even fully understand it, he is in the room.  I just need to push thru like I do all the other times when I am physically, mentally and/or emotionally in pain.  

So that is my theory.  Remember you are stronger than you think and you have skills you forget that naturally take over when you are in your deepest pain. 

Down the Rabbit Hole of Domestic Abuse and Narcissism

This is the story of Lee.  Lee is the result of how damaging a narcissist can be to a child.  To explain that we have to start with Lee’s parent’s story.  Lee’s father was handsome, wild and thought he was destined for fame.  We will call him Roger.  Roger at age 19 was skilled with guitar playing, horse riding and catching the eyes of women.  One day at a rodeo the young queen caught his eye.   Connie was barely 17 but beautiful like no other he has seen.  Roger was drawn to her and they fell in love.  Well things happened a bit quickly and Connie was pregnant.  Roger was not ready to settle down because he still wanted to seek his fame and fortune.  However, Roger’s father told him to be an honorable man.

Roger married Connie prior to the birth of their first child, Henry.  Both were happy, tired and a bit in shock of how much their lives had changed in a short amount of time.  Times were hard.  Roger’s charm and rodeo money wasn’t going to support a wife and child.  Roger decided to take a job out of the area away from his parents and Connie’s parents.  Connie was pregnant their second child and still getting a hang of taking care of a baby.  But move they did.  Roger one day didn’t come home from work.  Connie waited a few days and was scared.  She looked for him but couldn’t find him.  She was assured by his work he was okay and working, he just was choosing not to come home.  Connie finally found a phone and called her father-in-law to come and get her.  You see she was running low on money, food and almost 8 months pregnant.

Roger’s father traveled up to Connie to bring her home.  Then he went back to find his son.  Roger was found in the bed of another woman.  Roger’s father was heartbroken as he felt his son needed to be a better father, man, husband, son and Christian than what he discovered.  Roger who respected his father came home to Connie and his son.   However, Connie was so heartbroken.  She felt the ultimate betrayal as he was with another woman and he left her to fend for herself with his child.  Anger, sadness, depression, relief, fear and so many emotions ran thru her.   When their next child was born, she wasn’t the same.  That child was Lee.  Lee had a mother that was distant and depressed.  She admittedly was more robotic or angry than she was loving at times.  Connie never was abusive towards her sons, or any of her children she had in the future, she just wasn’t present.

Over the years Roger and Connie remained married.  Roger would sometimes be the husband and father that his father and Connie imagined.  Other times, Roger’s narcissism would take over.   You see, Roger felt cheated.  He felt that Connie and their kids, they had 5 total, took away the future he should have had.  He blamed them, not himself, for being stuck.  He hated the little town he was stuck in.  He hated he was tied to one woman; a vow he never honored.  He hated he had to earn enough money to support multiple people so took jobs he didn’t want to do.   Roger eventually would leave Connie when all but their youngest was an adult.

Lee, was the one child that while in utero felt his mother’s heart truly break.  She changed while he was inside her and experienced the most extreme emotions.  Once he was born, Lee didn’t bond well with his mother.  She later cared for her kids with as much love as she could.  Connie was the mom that attended their school activities and knew their friends.  She really did try even if at the time her and Roger were going thru a horrible moment in their marriage.

Lee grew up with a father that could be a great mentor and teach them all sorts of things.  In fact, Lee started his own band and was pretty good.  This was something that Roger would constantly put him down for or critic him on.  After all Lee got closer than Roger ever did on that dream.

Lee also got to see the father that snuck around, poorly might I add, behind his mother back and had affairs in a small town.  His father would come home drunk and fight with his mother.  Henry the oldest, wouldn’t let the kids get involved.  However, they could hear every cruel word about his ruined life.  They could hear every hit, wall punched, glass thrown, crying and door slamming.  Roger was also good, like most narcissist at spinning everything to make Connie sound crazy or that he himself was the victim.  Everything was so confusing in that house.   All Lee knew is that neither of his parents wanted him when he was born.

Lee eventually graduated and moved out.  He found a woman, Barb; he could not get off his mind and married her.   Barb told him one day almost six months into their marriage that she was pregnant.  Instead of joy, all Lee felt was fear.  Lee didn’t know how to be a father, wasn’t ready to be a father and in many ways still dealt with the mess that was his father.  You see, Roger still got drunk and as it was a small town, the locals would call Henry or Lee to come get their father if he was out of control.  However, he could see how excited Barb was for this child and tried to be excited to.

Barb and Lee had a bouncing baby boy Joe.  Lee had a bunch of pride in being a dad but more fear.  He let Barb take the lead in many things because he was so unsure of what to do.  Lee didn’t feel he could talk to his mom or dad, so Lee was just alone and lost.  When Joe was a toddler he colored on the walls and Lee lost it.  He didn’t hit Joe but he was screaming and couldn’t stop.  Lee later realized he wasn’t ready to be a father and the fear he would be his father was stronger than ever.  Barb who loved Lee talked to him about what they could do.  They agreed to move away from Lee’s family to a different state, where Barb’s family lived.

Lee loved Barb’s father Cliff.  He was a patient man who could see Lee struggled but never would know how much.  Lee tried and most of the time seemed to handle things well in the beginning.  However, Lee would find himself losing it over little things on Joe.  He wanted that child to be perfect, better than he was.  The first time he laid his hands on Joe it shocked him as much as it did Joe.  Lee started drinking after then because he couldn’t cope.

When Joe was a teenager it was easier for Lee to blame Joe for making him hurt him.  “If only Joe wouldn’t make me do this…”.  But Lee saw his father in the mirror each and every time.  Lee never hit or said cruel words to Barb.  Maybe he felt that is what made him a better man than his father.  He only saved the cruelty for Joe.  After all, the boy had forced him to become a father. He had forced him to become HIS father.  Lee was broken and was blindly breaking Joe in the process.   Joe is an adult now.

Lee never escaped Roger; he just passed on parts of his experience to Joe.   Now Joe is down a rabbit hole trying to figure out what is wrong with him and why his father hates him so much.

** This is a real story but I’ve changed the names.

Love That Lasts

I’ve never fully fit in with any crowd

Maybe for a time I can fake it for a while

But I could never say all my thoughts out loud

Some things so silly just said to make me smile

 

In my own family I’m the black sheep

My independent mind and rebellious side

Pushes me away with misunderstandings so deep

Nothing is easy and there is no one in which to confide

 

I never thought someone could really love me

It’s something that’s been out of my grasp

It seems you’re the only one who can truly see

Who I really am and that’s why our love will last

The dark might take a hold and I start sinking

 

You watch me fall apart in despair

I know you’re not sure what to do

In different ways you show you care

My darkness in a way also affects you too

 

I never thought someone could really love me

It’s something that’s been out of my grasp

Even in the darkness you are the one can see

Who I really am and work to make our love last

 

You see the broken parts of me and accept

That it’s not all bad and in many ways

It helps me to find the strength to reject

Fitting into a box or the need to belong craze

 

We can be stupid and silly alone

Quote movie lines, stupid “what ifs” and joke about things

Others don’t understand that makes it our safe home

Those times feel like we can conquer whatever life brings

 

I never thought someone could really love me

It’s something that’s been out of my grasp

But you bring the light as you are the one who can see

Who I really am and we have a love that will last

 

There is something magical in your embrace

Any pain, anxiety or aches cannot survive, they go away

My mind gets lost when I’m looking at your face

The rhythm of my heart listens to whatever yours has to say

 

You are my drug, the one thing that makes me high

That is why there are times I need you more

Maybe it’s selfish that I seem to use you to get by

But I promise every part of you my love I adore

 

I never thought someone could really love me

It’s something that’s been out of my grasp

That God you are the one who can really see

Who I really am and I promise I will work to make our love last

Am I Finding Myself Or Losing It?

I think one of the hardest things for a woman in getting older is losing and finding herself.  The first half of my life has felt like I’ve been trying figuring some things out and transitioning.  I was a child, teenager (rebellious), daughter, girlfriend, student, new wife, young mom and trying to figure out on an independent level as a person who I am.  That is a lot in 40 years because you are never just one thing.  Or I guess I never seemed to be.

So now what….

I am a mother of an adult daughter who started college this year.  I have a son in high school that has some challenges and is on the autism spectrum.  My husband has a career of his own.  I have not been close to my parents in a while and cannot be unless I allow them to control many parts of my life.  I do have contact with them and help them out.  I just don’t spend much time and cannot really have open conversations with them.  My career is going well and at this time I don’t really want to advance any further.

I’m a bit lost.  I’m going to be 40 and although that is just a number it seems like a milestone.  I’m not sure if I should have accomplished something else by now or if I’ve already done it.  I also feel like I don’t know really who I am.

The most pressing worry currently is the fear that I am losing my beauty and sexiness. No, I don’t think that looks are all that make a woman.  I believe it’s your brain, your body and the way you make a person feel.  My goal is by no means to be a super model but rather to still catch the eye of my husband.

I guess after being married this long, I don’t feel mysterious anymore.  My husband has seen every side of me and knows every story.  We don’t talk like we used to.  Asking how our days were seems to be either quick answers or one of us tuning out the other after a few seconds.  I joke he doesn’t listen to me because I can repeat the same things, but we both know that at least half the time it is true.  Okay, I can be guilty of it as well, but not nearly as often as he is.  I think that I truly bore him.  Maybe I bore myself a little.  Although I can be a bit animated.  But I get the feeling that looking at Amazon is more thrilling than his wife.

He doesn’t look at me like he used to.  In the past, I would catch him staring at me.  Now, he is staring at the computer, his phone, the TV, the dogs or even into space.  It sucks that there was a time when we couldn’t get enough of each other.  I know that time does that to every relationship.  The beginning is always so thrilling and you feel like you can’t breathe without seeing the other person.  We still have great sex… not to embarrass or give too much information.  But I feel like it is 95% initiated by me. So either he doesn’t get in the mood until I get him there or he doesn’t feel like he can express he is in the mood.  Both seem to be issues to me.

Before you jump on the “well did you let yourself go” train, I did years ago, but lost 60 lbs. I actually weigh less now than when he married me.  I know things are as young or perky in some areas but I do take care of myself.   I have had some health issues, have had kids, surgical scars are on my body but honestly I look pretty good in most areas… well at least that is what I tell myself.  I am not trying to get ALL men to see me as sexy.  Just the man that I want to spend the rest of my life turning his head.  Maybe that isn’t realistic.  I know deep down he loves me very much.  There is not a fear that he is leaving me.  The fear is that I am becoming boring and not good enough for him.  I guess you could say my insecurities are showing.

Is this the beginning of my midlife crisis…….